Disclaimer: This article is a work of satirical fiction. All names, quotes, events, and incidents are created and used in a purely fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual people or events is purely coincidental.

The Senate chamber is filled with most of its members on a D.C. evening. Bills have come out of committee, Senators are in the mood to speak to the dozen Americans who watch C-SPAN, and Senators Brown and Lex, whose desks are right next to one another, are deep in conversation.

“I’m telling you, it won’t work,” Senator Brown said.

“Maybe, but we worked hard on it. It has a 73% popularity rating. And 45% of Americans believe that demons exist. Even those guys are rooting for this bill to pass. We can’t just go back home and tell everyone that we didn’t try!” Senator Lex said.

Senator Brown looked at her friend, feeling a twinge of pity for his bill, which wasn’t likely to move to a final floor vote. 

Senator Lex’s legislation, which she immediately cosponsored, had so many good ideas. Economists loved it, local officials loved it, the people loved it—the only people who didn’t, however, were the minority party in the Senate—the Corporaticans Koch-licans.

Although Senators Brown and Lex’s party won the exact 50-seat majority in that year’s Senate election, they needed a super-majority of 60 seats to avoid that dreaded filibuster.

“I can’t stop you,” she said. “Just don’t go into another impassioned speech about principle. You know that’s an extinct animal here.”

Senator Lex smiled, and rose out of his seat to call the attention of the presiding officer in the chamber.

“Mr. President.”

“The Senator from California,” the officer said.

“I rise to request unanimous consent to move the resolution to a final vote. But first, before an objection is leveled, I’d like to say a few words regarding my bill.”

“The Senator is recognized for two minutes.”

He cleared his throat, and began to speak; he knew his bill would be done away with a threat of the filibuster, but words still mattered. Most of the Senators were in the room today, and many focused on where he stood.

“Mr. President, we have before us a bill with the most bipartisan support in our recent history—the Cotton Candy Resolution. Boasting a 73 percent approval rating, it is clear that the large majority of the American people want this landmark legislation to pass. It provides funding for every single American to receive one whole bag of cotton candy each. While this amount of food will not satisfy anyone’s hunger for more than a solid forty seconds, this aid is needed for millions of people, but because there are not 60 super-majority votes for it, they will not get the help they need.

“Let me also take this time to speak of prior legislation that has failed due to the minority party’s threat of filibustering. The “Golden Retriever as the National Dog Breed’’  Act. The establishment of February 15th as ‘Singles’ Recovery Day’. The forming of a national commission to #FreeBritney. This is why we must consider reforming or abandoning the filibuster. 

“Sure, the opposite party having more freedom to pass bills without bipartisan support may seem like a dangerous idea. An example that comes to mind would be The Q Act, in which the far-right conspiracy group QAnon was given federal funding and a public access TV channel. So, with our mistakes in our recent memory, and with a mandate to preserve the future of the Senate for our children and theirs, we should consider that the filibuster procedure was created a very long time ago, and poses obstacles to good legislation. I mean, all due respect to the founders, but they had wooden teeth. Perhaps our time has progressed from then. So let’s talk. I yield the remainder of my time, Mr. President.”