Sports are an essential part of school life. They build teamwork, school spirit, and give everyone something to yell about on Friday nights. For anyone that has ever attended a game out of obligation, here is a helpful breakdown of what is supposedly happening.
Football is a sport where enormous people repeatedly sprint five feet, violently collide, then stop to discuss it. The goal is to carry an oddly shaped “ball” across the field wearing enough padding to survive a minor explosion.
There are so many rules that even referees occasionally look confused, which is reassuring because that means even the kid behind you, loudly explaining the complexities of the game with confidence, probably also has no idea what’s going on.
In baseball, you win if you score more runs than the opponent by running around the bases and making it back to home. Why not save us all three hours and just go straight home and skip all the standing around? There’s more action at a turtle race. Now, there’s no denying that hitting a baseball is the hardest skill in sports, since players obviously spend all their time on mastering that instead of working on their fitness, speed, or strength. It’s also one of the best sports to plan on doing something else while you’re watching – like grilling, talking to friends, or posing for pictures – since chances are you won’t miss anything while you’re otherwise indisposed.
Soccer is the sport of “almost.” Throughout the game, players can be seen running, kicking, passing, dribbling and (almost) scoring a goal. When a goal finally comes, it is celebrated as if it cured world hunger.
Scoring happens so rarely that a tie is considered a good thing, a concept so foreign to Americans that we had to invent penalty kicks just to feel some sort of closure. Add in the theatrics of players throwing themselves to the floor at the slightest contact, referees who refuse to explain themselves, you have a sport built entirely on suspense and frustration.
Even if you don’t understand the rules, or care who wins, there’s something comforting about being part of a crowd that’s equally lost but loudly invested.
So the next time you’re at a game out of obligation, just remember: you don’t need to understand sports to enjoy them, you just need to cheer at the right moments and hope no one asks you to explain what just happened.