A Rejection of All College Rejections

A Satirical Guide to Dealing With the Lows of Admission Season

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(Graphic by Alycen Kim)

Alycen Kim, Editor-in-Chief

“We regret to inform you…”

 

You stare, horrified and shellshocked, at the tiny print on the screen in front of you. The very ground beneath you feels like it’s shaking, as if getting rejected from your dream college has somehow caused a 5.7 magnitude earthquake. 

Your family and peers are quick to offer you words of advice, which you can’t help but refute.  Here is a guide to a rejection of all college rejection tips. 

 

  1. Get Excited About Other Schools

Well, that’s a little hard after you’ve already followed every Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter account affiliated with your dream school. Oh, and don’t forget that you have half of the college’s merchandise store hanging proudly on display in your closet. 

 

  1. Give Yourself Time to Process the Rejection

Time, time, time.  After all of the hours you spent agonizing over the Common App and the late nights spent working to maintain your perfect GPA, the best your college could offer you was a definitive, insulting “no”. 

 

  1. Cry it Out

The average person cries 30 to 64 times a year, but the average dejected senior cries 30 to 64 times in a single week. Cry me a river? More like cry me an ocean. Seriously, Kleenex should sponsor all of us. 

 

  1. Distract Yourself

Distracting yourself seems simple enough, but not when the only thing your friends and family seem to be talking about is college. Really, if you hear one more “So what college are you going to?” from your grandma, you’ll scream.