Dear Thanksgiving,

Like the high schooler we all hope we aren’t, you peaked early in life.

In modern day, you’re forced into forgottenness, sandwiched between Spooky Season and the “most wonderful time of the year.” Relegated to a title of “The Only Holiday With Neither Fireworks Nor Decorations.”

I mean, you’ll see the occasional Thanksgiving-themed wreath, but that’s a sure sign the home’s inhabitant is desperately seeking something to celebrate.  

Besides, in the age of McDonald’s, consuming a day’s worth of calories in one sitting is just another meal.

Don’t get me wrong — if Thanksgiving were the Olympics, I’d win gold.

I train all year, pints of ice cream and entire Marie Callender’s pies in hand, waiting to sweep the dessert table to glory.

My love for eating, however, gives me insight into all that can be improved.

In short: we need to rebrand.

In Palos Verdes, you’re a holiday relegated to Instagram stories of fleeting thankfulness, which inevitably become excuses to flex (as in, “I’m thankful for my BMW convertible”), and disappear the next day, as soon as the stories expire.

As a vegetarian, myself, I feel that the substitute of “tofurkey” is too grey for human consumption. I mean, who wants to eat something called tofurkey? We need to appeal to the California market of vegans: I propose dying the grey substance a more edible color, totally re-establishing the texture, and renaming it “To Filet Mignon.” I promise it will sell by the millions.

Oh, and did you think you were getting away without so much as a mention of the Native American subjugation? You thought wrong. You stole their land, commercialized their crops, and pretended everything was just great come Thanksgiving, like a Scorpio who got her heartbroken texting “I’m fine” to her best friend. And, now, you expect this ritual to represent the American people. I mean, pushing down our conflicts to act “macho” sounds pretty American to me, but it shouldn’t.

Besides, it’s easy to keep from admitting to our mistakes when we keep referring to Native Americans as “Indians.” I mean, we all know where the real India is, so maybe let’s not be racist?

Thanksgiving is only good for one thing: food. I believe we can do better. I believe America can do better — for, who are we if not spectacular event planners, particularly if this event revolves around food?

Sincerely,

A Concerned Citizen